Living by the Rules
by bleedcolor
Summary: *Chapter Four Up* When Quatre dies Trowa is plauged by guilt and doesn't wish to continue living, but he feels he has to explain to his friends why. 3x4 deathfic. R&R!
1. Living by the Rules: Prologue

Hey! Well here's another new story and well, let's just say it's a bit depressing. I'm in a good mood writing extremely depressing stories...go figure. Well...another chapter to Shadows of Violet should be out soon...I'm still trying to form a plot -_-; so that's what's takin' so long. Anywayz, here's something' to chew on while you wait...Oh and just so you know there are going to be six chapters to this and no happy endings unfortunately, this is completely angst. Gomen.

Kyoshi

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Living by the Rules:

~Prologue~

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There are six rules in my life and I fucked up and broke all but one. And I'm about to break the last one. I always figured if it was broken though that it would be someone else's fault. That it wouldn't be by my own hand and yet here I am about to break rule six. I suppose that's why I'm writing this. I want you guys to understand why; why I can't live with myself any longer. I want you to know what happened.

Everything was fine at first, I was relatively safe in my own little shield of a mask. I kept to myself, piloting Heavyarms and didn't ask for anything. I didn't care about anyone, myself included. And then I met you guys. Even then, though, I still managed to keep my distance. I thought you were all fucked and wouldn't have cared if the world ended and blew you all to smithereens. 

I thought Wufei was a justice freak, Heero was an emotionless freak (much like myself, but even that didn't matter to me ), Duo was a manic-depressive freak, and Quatre... Quatre was a cheer freak...but him...he was magnetic...at least he was to me but I managed to stay away from him as well. I didn't want to care about him or any of you.

And then there was the mission that I got amnesia and forgot all about the freaks you were and why I didn't care for anything or anyone. When Quatre came to get me from the circus I was still, for lack of a better word, anti-social and I still didn't care for anyone or anything. My mask was firmly fixed in place even if I didn't remember why it was supposed to be. But when I saw Quatre again...the magnetism I had so carefully avoided before started pulling me to him again and I had forgotten why I needed to fight it. I started learning to like him and the rest of you, I learned to let myself have friends.

When I finally got my memory back I couldn't rebuild the distancing walls that had separated us and ,well, I didn't want to. It wasn't as if I couldn't live without any of you. Sure I would be sad but I would survive. And then I broke the first rule...

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TBC?


	2. 1 Never Let The Mask Slip

Well here's chapter 1, I'm so sorry that it took so long. I didn't mean for it to, but unfortunately schoolwork caught up with me and I had to turn it all the assignments I never got around to first quarter. First Quarter of school is over with now so I can neglect second quarter's homework and finally write on my stories though so, yay! Hope you like.

Kyoshi

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My first "fuck-up", as Duo would so crudely term it, was completely unintentional. Of course most of them were, but this one was more so in the fact that I had no clue of what was coming. I suppose that it was a mix of everything, my memory returning, having to deal with the friendships that I now had, not to mention that damn pull of Quatre's that kept getting stronger and stronger.

It was just too much. I was thrown for a complete loop, standing on uncharted ground and sinking quickly. My newly discovered feelings were spinning around in me so fast that it was impossible to tell left from right or up from down. I was in ten feet above my head before I even knew what was happening.

I guess I should try and explain what happened a little better than telling you that I was so confused that I couldn't see my own feet. It was about two weeks after I got my memory back and Quatre and I were sharing a safe house, I was sitting at the kitchen table wondering what in the hell was happening with my life and for that matter what in the hell was I going to do with it.

Catherine wanted me to go back to the circus and work with her but I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I wasn't feeling pulled in any particular direction, I just wanted...hell I still don't know what exactly I wanted back then, but that's beside the point. Anyway, there I was sitting at the kitchen table ready to rip my hair out in frustration, not that it showed, when Quatre walked in.

I don't suppose it was until that day that I actually believed about his space heart. It was kind of creepy when he walked in, looked straight at me and asked what was wrong. It's kind of funny how a few words destroyed years of work. With just a quick glance Quatre had known that something was wrong and as I looked up at him I felt my mask fall.

I should have never let it happen. He would still be here today if it wasn't for me. If only I had told him nothing, told him everything was fine. If only I hadn't looked up at him, hadn't let the pain seep into my eyes. If only I hadn't let the frustration and confusion take over my face. If only I hadn't answered the questions he asked if only I hadn't have told him about my past. It only he hadn't asked...If only I hadn't let the mask slip...

I should have left right then and there. I should have gotten up and gotten as far away from Quatre as I possibly could have. I should have known...should have realized...how quickly the house falls after the foundation has cracked... I had broken the first rule…

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Notes: Okay, in the manga Trowa gets his memory back in the last battle and because I've never seen the Anime I'm using the manga to go by so this is directly after the war, before Endless Waltz and I know Trowa was at the circus when Endless Waltz occurred so I don't know how well him being at a safe house works but in Battlefield of the Pacifists they went on missions even after the war so they would still need safe houses, ne? At least I think that's how it works...I dunno I could be wrong, tell me if I am cuz I'll fix it.


	3. 2 Never Let The Walls Fall

Well hopefully I'll have this finished before winter break is over and then I can go to work on Shadows of Violet and Kissing Lessons. If this isn't finished by Jan. 6 feel free to lynch me ^_^. It should be though unless prevented by an unstoppable force…or my mother.

Kyoshi 

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Chapter 2: Never Let The Walls Fall

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You know, you'd figure that after I let the mask down I would have had enough sense to replace it, not to mention reinforce it. Then again, I never did have any common sense when it came to anything even remotely related to Quatre.

I don't know, maybe I was just too tired to put the mask back on, or maybe I just didn't want to. I don't even remember what I was thinking anymore. Either way Quatre and I seemed to get closer each day.

We talked more each day and I found myself becoming more and more open with him. I talked more in one day than I ever had in my entire life. And as I spent more time with him all the feelings I had kept hidden behind my mask and the walls around my heart began to leak through cracks and float to the surface.

Isn't that how it always starts? A tiny leak. Then, before you know it, there's a full-fledged flood breaking through any and all walls there are. You couldn't stop it even if you wanted to...and I'm not sure I did.

Yet it still wasn't too late to turn back. Even then I could have turned and walked away. I might have hurt Quatre, but he still would be here, alive. I wouldn't have had him, but is that such a bad thing? The only thing that I ever brought him was pain. So which would have been better? Him hurting then or him living now?

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T.B.C.?

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	4. 3 Don't Trust

Hmmmmmm....Don't you hate filler chapters? Well I don't know if this is one or not but if I were judging I would say it was. Then again, what do I know? But, um, yeah this is pretty much a filler chapter mostly....I'll probably make it really short...shorter than the last one if possible. Oh sorry about the last chapter being so short by the way. Heh heh... It just turned out that way. Gomen, minna-san.

Kyoshi

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Chapter Three: Don't trust

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When did I finally realize that I cared for him? I'm not too sure, it was probably after I realized how much I trusted him... Trust is not a thing that comes easily for me, after growing up with mercenaries and being betrayed [1] by them, I learned the hard way that trust is a weakness and that it can be exploited very easily. And let's face it, you can't care if you don't trust.

I suppose, though, it was when he saved my life [2] that I realized it. I hadn't thought anyone would come to save me, no one had before. Of course I had never needed saving before so when he showed up in the OZ cell next to me I was shocked. I had figured I would die in the tiny hole that they had placed me in. 

But I didn't. Quatre carried me out of there and then nursed me back to health. And from then on I always knew that he would be there for me. Everything warned me against it, I should trust, if I didn't trust I couldn't care... I should have listened.

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T.B.C.?

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Wow....like I said really short.

[1] This happens in the manga. Episode Zero...not exactly like I put it but....

[2] This is completely fictional, as far as I know Trowa was never captured so Quatre never had to save him!


	5. 4 Don't Care

Hmmm…………….Well I don't really know about this chapter. It's a cross between me rambling on and on over one subject and important information. I'm just not sure which is winning here. Probably the rambling so you might as well get on with reading it. C-ya.

Kyoshi

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Chapter Four: Don't Care

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Well you can only do something without a clue for so long before you realize what's going on. I suppose it was right after, or maybe during, the Marimea incident that it finally hit me.

I had fallen in love with him. I knew that I cared for him and trusted him and that those had been my first mistakes, but they weren't horrible. I thought I would just have to distance myself from him and everything would turn out fine. So I stayed at the circus with Catherine hoping to work him out of my system. It didn't work of course. I only found out that I hated being away from him.

I had finally figured out that he wasn't just my best friend, or the only person I'd ever trusted. He was the person I lived for, the person I would have died for. The person I wish I'd died for...

Now, what do you think I did with that revelation? Hmm? Do you suppose I thought about what consequences this little tid-bit of knowledge could bring? That I thought about how much it would affect him? Or me? Or both of us?

No. Of course I didn't. The only thing than ran through my mind was that I had to tell him. So I hopped the first shuttle to earth, then caught a cab to his house. Don't get me wrong and think I wasn't nervous. Or that I didn't have my doubts. I did. It just never occurred to me to be less than completely honest with him. I had just figured it out. It concerned him. So naturally, in my way of thinking at least, he should be the first to know.

You should have seen the look on his face when he answered the door. I thought that if nothing else the whole trip had been worth it for the smile on his face. I stepped into the house when he invited me and then blurted it out.

"Quatre, I love you."

That was all it took and I got another priceless look in the space of ten seconds. He stared at me for so long, not even moving I was afraid I had killed him. He only snapped out of it when I shook him lightly. I suppose I could have waited a while and tried to have broken it to him gently, but I would have just gotten more and more nervous and probably have just chickened out.

Besides, beating around the bush isn't my style. When he finally snapped out of it he stared at me a little more, only this time tacking on a question.

"Really?"

I nodded and before I could blink his arms were around me, with his lips pressed to mine. I was so happy I think I could have died of happiness, when he whispered back to me, I love you, too. I was in heaven. But, then, all good things must come to an end.

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T.B.C.?

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